


Sunflowers & Roses

by linglun



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Based on a Vocaloid Song, F/F, Introspection, Mutual Pining (Hindered By CircumstancesTM)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2020-01-15 13:08:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18499606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linglun/pseuds/linglun
Summary: For almost three years, the choice they made defined their reality. But fate delays, and everything falls into place in its own time.Inspired by Mikito-P’s Sarishinohara (Distant Fields) Trilogy.





	1. Shuffle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lisa deals with the process of a memory weaving itself back into the present. Until she stands in a hall filled with more than 60 million cells, wanting to see a girl stand on the stage feet away from her—and the present then dilutes into a distant memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Lyrics of various songs are inserted throughout the story, these are enclosed by these half-brackets idk what theyre called you'll know when u see them lolol]

( _“What’s wi—” Sounding a little too raspy, Yukina clears her throat. “What’s with that face, Lisa?”_

_The smile on the brunette’s lips widens, “Hmm~? What face?”_

_”You look so…content.”_

_Lisa pops her mouth in realization, before returning to its signature smiling expression, “I got to hear you sing. Of course I am.”_

_”Are you sure it’s not because the chorus had ‘idiot, idiot, idiot’ on repeat?”_

_A chuckle threatens to spill out of Lisa’s lips, ”Oh? I don’t know what you me—” And out it bursts, manifesting into a staccato of unbridled chortles upon seeing the silver-haired with her signature face of displeasure. “But—I had….I had that stuck—in my head for days! And I love that song!”_

_Yukina merely shakes her head, and if it’s anyone but Lisa, they would’ve missed the slight upturn of her mouth, the hint of an uncharacteristic lilt to her voice as she says, “Sure you do.”_

_It’s soft and it’s just so like her to say that. It made her shift closer to the other, “Do you think you can sing this one next?”_ )

Much to Lisa's dismay, golden orbs merely stare back at her. The same sharp eyes used to be capable of crinkling into soft lines from the amount of glee that overflowed from them.

Now, it's just...nothing but cold.

Glossy in some aspects, but that might be just Lisa and how she's coming to terms with....Himari's voice telling her—

"Lisa-senpai? Are you okay?"

"Hii-chan...I'm telling on you..."

"Telling on—! I don't think this is my fault—Who are you even telling on me to, Moca?!"

"Ran, of course!"

"Ran doesn't even have anything to do with this, though? Try Tomoe, Moca~"

"Geh, Lisa-senpai!" Himari all but drops the assortment of tops and a couple of skirts in surprise. "Please don't scare me like that!"

"Sorry, sorry."

Moca looks at her owlishly, but says nothing until Lisa feels eyes on her head and she turns to face the other, "But you were staring at this poster for a lo—ng time though, Lisa-san..."

A poster…

"Well..." Lisa hums absentmindedly before catching herself, "Have you guys heard of her before?"

"Eh? You didn't hear me tell you that Ran has her music on repeat lately?"

"....She _was_ blank for a solid five minutes, Hii-chan—"

"Why'd you ask, Lisa-senpai?"

A catlike smile graces her lips, "Hmm~ I think she just gained a new fan."

"You? Listening to Yukina Minato's songs? Her genre's a bit hard, to say lightly."

"Hard heart, hard heart~"

"What is that even, Moca?" The brunette chuckles, "More importantly, are we here to chat about my taste in music or do you want to know what I think about your top, Himari?"

"But we already know what you think about Tomo-chin, Lisa-san~"

—   —   —

A Wikipedia page snags the first result of her search.

Lisa doesn’t open it, opting to shift in her bed and lie on her back.

Her website then follows. One with intricate graphics, detailed information regarding merchandise, EPs, singles, and an upcoming release of her first album. It’s sleek, elegant, and direct. Clearly done by a professional.

Of course. Yukina wouldn’t settle for anything less—is almost what every article peppering the rest of her search results says about her. Too cool, but detached. Powerful, but a bit commanding—for better or for worse. A dark horse that has only recently surfaced, but maneuvers the road as if it’s all too familiar for he—

The phone slips from her hand and smacks Lisa square in the face.

Just…When did this happen? How did all of this slip past her?

She remembers…Being within. Basking in the afterglow of the sun’s last, vibrant flicker before hiding beneath the coaxing of the moon. Being unable—immobile. Just standing. Engulfing every syllable of her words and letting it seep, freeze. And when the words did thaw, the sentences making all the more sense, Lisa feels silver hair slipping just between her fingers.

Maybe at some point it just…stopped, but Lisa knows it’s most likely more complicated than that.

The first indication was that the setting’s a sunset from the clear, warm hues in the sky. The scene was stable all the way through, firmly planted, the exception being the pause that’s growing shorter every time it plays—bringing her faster to Yukina, which she gradually, can finally make out clearly. It’s kinda funny, how an inordinate amount of expressions she made that time—it took her months, probably, to finally see.

But it wasn’t until she can hear Yukina that Lisa finally noticed.

_”I have to go. I’m sorry, Lisa. I have to do this.”_

Even before there was a fade out into a black screen (or into whatever object she was spacing out on that time) added into the picture, Lisa knew.

She’s not within anymore.

She’s just…watching, a spectator to a movie she had little relation in aside from the fact that it resonated with her, tugged her heartstrings, so much.

And maybe that’s why the sting that usually has her nursing her nose and mock-crying about her phone’s cursed structure seems just a bit irrelevant to the fact that the question: ‘Has she stopped caring about Yukina?’ is entirely valid.

To which, Lisa’s answer is: Impossible.

Through fat tears scrunching her face, staining her phone that has slid down to her neck, Lisa repeats aloud, “Impossible.”

It’s painful. Saying it is painful.

Literally, from the way her nose clogs up at the exact moment she utters it, forcing her to half-choke and half-wheeze for air, unceremoniously prompting her to sit up.

Figuratively, it is an acknowledgement that the past two years of her life has filled her lungs, flowed through her veins, and has left her with a blockage of residue.

But no matter how much it hurts, her answer is also the truth.

It’s Yukina, after all.

So Lisa plucks her phone from her lap, wipes it clean with the sheets of her bed, and wipes her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt; As the after fog of her sobs gradually diminish, she finds that with it, what has been lost, missing, for such a long time—finally reveals itself as a silhouette.

_Far, but reachable._

Lisa closes the article, hovers around other related websites in search for a bridge, a gateway to reach Yukina. Her own website merely points her to aforementioned information, containing only details about her music, nothing more. As for Wikipedia…Her agency!

_Faint, but existing._

She sifts through the upcoming idol groups, events, artists in the spotlight…and there. Lisa double checks the address, and while it’s definitely something she can’t go to without riding two trains, the information’s more than enough.

_Hidden and waiting._

Lisa can work with that.

—   —   —

Letter #1 is a congratulatory letter.

A light start, sure, but it marks a beginning nonetheless. The poster on the shopping mall, the growing abundance of posts in her social media feed related to the singer, and that one time she got into a taxi, Yukina’s song was playing—Lisa writes it all down, fondness more than happy to be in plain sight along with the familiarity rekindling beside it.

Very Lisa-like if she does say so herself.

Lisa knows Yukina knows better, though. She would doubt Lisa missed that.

How tired she must be behind the camera and worse, uncomfortable. Unused and reluctant with prancing around people because they don’t have anything to do with her. Music does. But when the two unfortunately correlate, and God forbid, met in the middle, Lisa would know more than just Yukina’s immediate reaction.

Yukina could do without knowing the extent of how correct she is, though.

So Lisa just chances on a tinge of chiding, a _”With all the hard work you’re putting, I’m concerned you’re not taking care of yourself. I hope you’re doing alright and as long as I’m here, in the occasion that you’re not, you won’t have to hide it.”_ tucked snugly in the end.

But with it, the paper permits no space for what Lisa really wants to say:

~~_’Is everything really worth your sacrifices, though? Can you honestly say that you’re satisfied now? If not, don’t give up just yet, I can hold you for a bit longer. I’ll always be here and even if you think I can’t really do much for you, my hand that has always been yours for taking will stay within your grasp as I walk you through.’_ ~~

It only takes Lisa less than a week after mailing the letter to realize she’ll never receive a response.

By letter #7, the brunette has grown more comfortable.

It has become routine to her by the third letter, has become common knowledge to the people she’s surrounded with via Moca’s inquisitive nature as she slips a photograph of her friend’s new cat in the fifth letter (uncovering the mysterious recipient of the letters has become _some_ people’s new past time), and by the sixth letter, the letters have morphed into somewhat of a journal for Lisa.

Maybe it’s the world telling her how familiar she’s become, how it’s making her forget what she set out to do in the first place—That must be the case, right? How else would fate remind her aside from Yukina suffering under the scorch of the spotlight?

And to think that if it weren’t for Ran—gritted teeth, glaring intensely at her phone, Lisa wouldn’t have been slapped awake.

Underneath the abundance of articles, posts, and dare say, worship, the singer has received, lies eyes, several gazes lurking and whispering behind it all. Unblinking, as if afraid to miss the weakness it so badly seeks should Yukina lower her guard for just a split-second.

Letter #8 will become a reminder, then.

It's a bit gruff since she cut out most pleasantries and established nothing but her intent, where she can and should be in all of this, but it's still a letter nonetheless.

And only by re-reading it, once...Twice! It's—actually...It's by far the most direct Lisa has been in any of her letters. Even she's surprised by herself.

But...For her letter to become like that unconsciously....

Lisa sighs, maybe she's getting more impatient and restless than she can handle.

"But...It's Yukina..", she whispers.

Yukina, with her head held high and is entirely capable of walking towards her goal without fail. Yukina, who was insurmountable, difficult to be swayed by anything that stands in her way.

At some point, that was Lisa.

That's why she should know. From experience and hurt, Lisa trusts Yukina to handle the thorns in her path and pay no heed to the whispers behind her back.

And yet, Lisa finds herself lingering.... _hesitating_ , to be more accurate, in the wedge between the two of them.

Her head rests on the desk.

She can’t send this one. It’s no good.

With a slap on both of her cheeks, Lisa stands, chair clattering in the empty classroom.

Better she scrap this and…

Face a blank page once again? And at the rate she’s going, risk opening a gateway to discern what’s missing in the writing, knowing full well she shouldn’t put it into paper?

Lisa bites her lip. She decides to send the eighth letter as is.

”Lisa-chi, you forgot this!”

 _What a tragedy_ , the voice sounding a lot like Kaoru responds in her head. It’s fitting, though. The letter is a tragedy. Everything about her relationship with Yukina is a tragedy—Lisa’s optimistic, but even the sun needs to set for a bit at some point. Her face, worn out eyes and flushed cheeks, is a tragedy. Hina not going home at like half an hour past the last bell is a tragedy. Lisa not noticing a bag occupying what should’ve been an empty seat is a tragedy. The entire situation is a tragedy. It’s—

”The paper’s kinda open, though.” She hears footsteps gradually reaching its descent in place of a voice ascending in its volume. “So I read it a bit.”

Hina looks unsurprised, Lisa’s surprised to see. She merely offers a meek smile, “I’m sorry, I guess.”

”Ah, no. Don't apologize, Hina." The brunette shakes her head, mentally shaking off how clouded her mind is, "It's my fault I left it there in the first place. Thanks for bringing it to me~"

”It’s interesting, though. For you to hope yet apologize, ask yet regret in the same sentences. This Yukina-girl must’ve rea—lly done something to make you react this way, huh?”

For it to be read by Hina of all people, for it to be actually read by someone other than the person she wanted it to be read by—It’s kinda ironic.

Lisa chuckles, an action out of place for the moment. A habit practiced so often it should be perfected at this point, but a crack seeps in its edges and out it comes, wrong and raw for a split-second before a bubble of vulnerability croaks out from her, "That’s all me, Hina.”

The teal-haired girl blinks. “Wait, what?”

”She…” The brunette trails off, eyebrows scrunched. “She didn't do anything, she's not at fault. ”

The brunette receives a grimace in response, ”Eh? But I thought...Maya-chan said it should be a two way—Huh?? So confusing!!" Hina gapes for a moment, before shaking her head, “But, eh—ne'rrmind that, is this Yukina-girl maybe Yukina Minato? Just a hunch. Though, I’m pretty she used to live he—”

Lisa gulps. Thankfully, the hallway is pretty empty, save for some athletic clubs outside that seem to be finishing up, but the brunette still thinks that this topic deserves a semblance of privacy.

”—and that’s why I think she and my sis—Woah, Lisa-chi! Where are we going?!”

She pulls them to an—Lisa even gives a once over just to make sure—empty classroom, “Sorry for dragging you here, but please keep this a secret, Hina!”

”Why not? It’s boppin’ that you know _the_ Yukina Minato! And Moca-chan can finally know the object of ‘Lisa-san’s love-love letters’, it’s been a recurring topic of theirs for months! Isn’t it win-win?”

”No, I can’t be a bother to Yukina more than I already am." Lisa averts her eyes, "I don’t know what people may do with just the slightest information regarding her and I don’t want her to get hurt because of me."

Hina goes silent at that. Lisa can never be sure if it’s because she understands or…

”This is so weird. You’re nothing like me, but right now you don’t feel that much different like everyone else." Hina tilts her head, "Why?”

Lisa blinks at that. Hina squints at her. Confusion envelopes the room. The sun is just about to set.

A familiar setting.

“What do you mean by that, Hina?”

“‘ _Whether it’s right or wrong of me to do, I can never leave you alone. Not now, when music is the only thing that can speak for you. Not ever, as long as I don’t see you smile.’_ ” As if the unusual somber expression on Hina’s face isn’t enough to catch Lisa off guard, Hina then continues, “That part of your letter and what you said just now, I felt that.”

And yet, an entirely new scene is panning out before her.

Upon meeting Afterglow, Lisa realized how sunsets always signalled the end of something for her. But it wasn't until this moment with Hina Hikawa that it occurs to her that's not supposed to be the case.

As much as sunsets signal the end, it also marks a beginning. It's the transition in between two points of time, the process of changing.

To honor that, (And honestly, with how Hina is and how she has uncovered almost half the story on her own—) Lisa lays her heart out just as Hina does the same, and they find that they weren't that much different at all.

Same woes, the same walk in an attempt to reach someone who cut them off and moved on—It was a bit freaky to find out Hina had a twin, much more someone who seemed to harbor a carbon copy of Yukina's personality from what Lisa keeps on hearing from Hina.

"—And so when she left, I didn't always feel 'zing!' and it became so bad, I quit Pastel Palettes right after it was formed!" Hina laughs, "Anyway, everyone's fine with it, we all actually keep in touch—except Chisato-chan. She was so pissed! I don't understand, though, she said it had to do with how much they've been practicing for the debut, but I thought it was fine because I didn't even need to practice that much in the first place. And then I heard from our aunt—the aunt my sister's staying at? That one— that she became Yukina's accompanying guitarist and I was like, 'Oh! Maybe it was worth it that I quit guitar, the—'"

"Wait, wait! Stop!"

"Yeah?"

"Did you just say that Sayo, your twin sister, became Yukina's guitarist?"

"Yup! She still is!"

"And...When did all of this happen?"

"Hrmm.....Maybe since last year? I only heard a month later-ish 'cause my sister blocked me, right? And my aunt rarely calls our house."

"What—" Lisa gapes, "Why didn't you tell me this earlier, Hina?!"

"Because! I didn't know you knew Yukina-chan! You've been keeping all this _boom—_ **_dong_ ** —" Hina clutches her heart with theatrics that could possibly rival Kaoru's before continuing, "—inside, how was I supposed to know when I'm like ' _boohoo—ugh_ ', too?!"

"That's not what I meant!"

It's lighthearted, Hina just pouting and whining for a bit as she demands an explanation, and does wonders to lighten up Lisa's once heavy heart. She takes it as reassurance that they'll be okay.

And as Lisa flips her phone open with a notification of a text from Ran, which read:

[ _“Speculations are as they are—speculations, specially those without concrete proof. Anything I’ll say is nudging, and in turn, bending the truth that these…should be left at that.” The silver-haired singer says, a quick response to a question tacked hastily as a follow up regarding her preparations for an upcoming tour with the success of her first album’s release._

Found that in an article

Good to hear minato-san's unaffected with her bashers ]

Lisa has hope that the other two will be okay, as well.

After some sensible revisions and a few insistent pointers from Hina to keep this and that part, Lisa sends the eighth letter days after.

[ LISACHI LISACHI!!!! THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THE LOCATIONS FOR YUKINA-CHAN'S TOUR!

SHES STOPPING BY HERE, ISNT THAT BOPPIN?! ]

And it’s only by then that she receives a response.

—   —   —

Somehow, Lisa wasn't surprised to see a lot of familiar faces outside the concert hall without even counting the company she's with. It's a small town, after all. Most, if not all, had excitement written in their faces (from Ran who's as still as a statue to Hina practically vibrating with energy) even before Lisa interacted with them.

And to think that Yukina was the reason for the smiling faces around her, Lisa's heart swells at the sight.

However, as they enter into the concert hall along with a hundred and more so people, Lisa's heart falls into the clutches of an entirely different emotion. Her chest tightens, because the first thing she sees is the stage, dim-lit in contrast to the lights illuminating the rest of the hall—and the sight is a split-second drop, a falling sensation in her sleep jolting her awake that **_Yes, Lisa, this is happening._ **

It’s gone as quick as it came, though, for Lisa finds comfort in how everyone’s hearts seem to be hammering out of its cages from the energy of the hall. It’s not just her.

So she blends herself into the buzzing of the crowd, joining the clamor that is her friends and schoolmates, masking the reason why her chest tightens because it’s not the same as everyone else’s. It’s complicated, a reason that she can’t relate to anyone in this hall, and the last thing Lisa needs right now is to be alone.

The light dies.

Darkness consume her and everyone else in the hall, but Lisa closes her eyes nonetheless, intent on what she knows will come next.

**_”Shall we start?”_ **

The succession of sounds floor her.

Lights flick on for a split-second, incoherent roars intertwining with instruments stretch for a minute, and a clear-cut voice slithers into its entrance, **_“Louder!”_ **, then out the balance goes, the hall vibrating into its core.

But Lisa stays planted.

What she knows is Yukina's voice from her earphones, the one she can hear anytime—in the train, during walks, within her bedroom—and has memorized because it's familiar, consistent, and has given Lisa a moment to look forward to each passing day ever since she has heard of the singer again.

Before that, her voice was a distant memory. It's a hum just a few meters away, a soft lulling of lyrics mismatched or mispronounced that gradually developed into something concrete. It was a process reserved for Lisa to see and grow with. But with time, it became an underplayed song, a faint thrum echoing in the back of her mind.

And now, there's Yukina's voice, amplified, reverberating through the large hall and dancing with the yells of thousands of people before her.

A distinct, controlled and enchanting voice, but now elevated to a significant extent. The extent which Lisa knows nothing of.

It's still the same, but also _so_ much different.

However, as much as she wants music to tread heavily within her ears and just listen, the impending point when she opens her eyes and actually looks at Yukina is squeezing Lisa's chest to a pulp.

(Funny how it coincides with the pound of thick clapping from the conclusion of their first song.)

But it's not because she's nervous. (Well, Lisa did write that she's going to her concert...But then again...Maybe _Yukina left_ **_before the letter arrived_ ** **?!** And to only realize it now—!!)

**“—ere’s ONENESS!”**

She’s just...A tiny bit feverish at having to search if there's any hints of raised shoulders and a squared jaw. At the sight of Yukina aching, yet inevitably continuing the concert because it's what she must do.

And a bit more afraid.

Once she sees Yukina, it's only inevitable that Lisa sees what she can't have and be reminded of what she can't do.

Regardless, Lisa will still reach out, extend her arm, plead with her fingertips, beg with her eyes, for a chance to be by her side for real. With Lisa’s heart spilling out uncontrollably in front of the person who got ahold of it. At the pinnacle of Yukina’s career, where the view from the top lies and the drop is high.

Claps, roars, and everything in between splash into what is—the second song has just ended. Yukina’s doing MC—drowning out all of Lisa’s what ifs and reminding herself what she’s here for.

While Lisa had a hard time jamming to one of her favorite songs with her eyes closed and having to deal with Hina's attention on her before she was enraptured by Sayo's guitar solo and was left to her own devices again, three more songs in and the brunette's thinking that she can probably pull this off.

( _"Is this really alright?" Yukina's voice cuts in. For a moment, Lisa freezes, and the silver haired girl continues, "Don't you have club activities to attend to?_

_Ah, so that was her concern. Lisa shakes her head at that, "It's no big deal, don't worry~ Besides, if I left you alone right now, you'd probably skip dinner."_

_"I could go to a family restaurant, you know."_

_"But you just said that you’re practicing at home and you wouldn't go out of your house unless you rea—lly had a reason to."_

_"..."_

_Lisa smiles, tilting her head at her companion. She's flustered, with her gaze averted and lowered to the ground before flicking it towards her after a second thought. A shy, but thankful notion Yukina always does and Lisa has never failed to interpret._

_"Should I take that as a go signal, then~?"_ )

Much to her surprise, golden orbs stare right back at her for a second too long to be considered accidental.

Lisa's not sure how exactly it happened, but she swore she heard a slight hitch seep into her memory, a note too high it’s out of place for a split second and—Yukina's _on stage!_ What happened—

And she's off in a blink, mic stand in tow as she walks towards the other parts of the audience.

Yukina saw her...

"Just now....Minato-san was—!"

⸢ _Dearest, you are my dearest…_  ⸥

"Did her voice just crack?"

⸢ _These full smiles in the present…_ ⸥

"What was that?"

⸢ _They pile up with each other. I've found a thing I'm certain of._  

"Maybe she's getting tired..."

It's by then that Yukina belts, ⸢ **_Dearest!_ ** _You are my dearest_ —!  ⸥

She holds the same tune throughout the last chorus and Lisa doesn't blink.

It's different.

The way she sang the last chorus is different compared to when the song started.

But before Lisa can question the abrupt change any further, Sanctuary reaches its end and Yukina is back at the center of the stage, only with her back turned to the audience.

Maybe she's just imagining it...But what if she's not and Yukina is truly getting tired? Then—

"Our next song is a cover. Charles by balloon."

The crowd cheers and Lisa can point out how Hina's is the loudest.

⸢ _You were the one who said goodbye, and yet you’re the one with tears running down your cheeks…_ ⸥

Come to think of it, Hina has mentioned that she loves the 'ai—eh! ai—eh!' part… Which Lisa assumes is the first line in the chorus because it's the only part sounding remotely close to what the teal-haired girl had described.

⸢ _If you’re just going to erase yesterday like this, just forget it._  ⸥

Yukina’s eyes drift slowly and it stops.

Right in Lisa’s direction.

⸢ _And just_ **_sing_ ** _—!_ ⸥

_Sing?_

That’s not the— **Wait.** She’s holding it, too?!

Yukina’s….Yukina’s _screaming_ the last note.

And it sounds so _raw_ and she’s going _a note higher_ and she looks **_pained_ **—

”Isn’t that supposed to be smile, right, Lisa-chi?! What’s going on—”

Her shoulders are still relaxed, face lax. The answer remains unseen, until there’s a glimpse into knuckles gripping the microphone stand tighter with how she’s leaning on it, the only thing keeping her from falling. Lisa furrows her brows, that wasn’t an answer...It’s just a response.

⸢ _…Just like this at the edge of my ideals, I’ll go and leave my heart behind. Is this alright?_  ⸥

She recoils into a proper stance and closes her eyes. It’s the first familiar gesture she’s made since the start of the song, a sight everyone knows.

⸢ _If my empty self will someday be filled with a deep blue, how would it be? If it’s like this, should I be worried?_  ⸥

A reminder that it’s really her upstage, if not a testament of her capabilities; It’s a warning that what comes next, every bit of it, is of her own accord.

⸢ _We sing of love, again and again, but it’s beyond the clouds. It’s so clouded that I. Can’t. See!_  ⸥

Why, then? Why is she doing this? Singing like this, foregoing the finesse and elegance she usually exudes in place of borderline screaming out lyrics she didn’t even write and music she had no hand in composing.

⸢ _No!_ **_No._ ** _No…The ideal days are so far away._  ⸥

But it’s _here_ . It’s them. Wee-eyed and dirt smudged in all their glory, with a feline too big for little hands. _It’s them._ In their pyjamas, in red-packpacks and mismatched clothes, in their middle school uniforms, in t-shirts and shorts they know by heart, in a high school uniform with a green tie and skirt for Yukina, while Lisa’s is brown.

⸢ _We smile while saying our goodbyes._  ⸥

Ah…Right.

Lisa finally realizes. It’s about them.

A song about how and where she started, being performed in her first big tour, it makes sense for her to be emotional about it and hold it close to her heart.

⸢ _This city is watching over our dreams._  ⸥

Then, the eye contact with her...A silent dedication, then. That must be it, an unspoken acknowledgement to everything that led her here. One that only the two of them know of.

Lisa smiles, maybe that’s enough.

Yukina starts moving, though she can’t make out where—Wait, why can’t she see? Everything’s blurry and smudged, gobs of lights and…Blobs of _water_ …

Her fingertips become damp.

Tears.

⸢ _Even today, we will be forgetting each other. Isn’t that how it is?_ ⸥

~~_Is it really supposed to be like this?_ ~~

⸢ _If I keep silent, eventually someday—Even if I’ll feel tormented…I wouldn’t mind it if this grief has meaning._ ⸥

~~_Why…Are you really thinking like that?_ ~~

⸢ _We compromise with each other, but nothing happens!_ ⸥

~~_And when we didn’t, the result is still the same._ ~~

⸢ _Nothing…_ ⸥

~~_If that’s the case, shall we throw everything to the wind?_ _  
_ ~~

⸢ _Nothing._ ⸥

~~_Because even if you’ve made your decision long ago, I still want to be beside you._ ~~

⸢ **_Nothing— !_ ** ⸥

~~_And even if I’ve relented two years ago, you’re persisting for a reason I can only hope is the same as mine._ ~~

The lights dim down, muting into a single streak. The refrain enters slowly, mellow but firm. The girl Lisa can never take her eyes off is just an arm’s length reach.

The hall chants at the slightest space unfilled by Yukina’s voice and Lisa’s reminded of where she is.

She’s within.

⸢ _Surely, surely, we know that deceiving ourselves is a foolish thing to do._ ⸥

Yukina walks. Lisa trudges.

⸢ _We were always, always at a loss, because you see, we never change._ ⸥

Lisa chuckles through tears. Yukina sings through thorns.

They halt.

⸢ _Yes, that's right._ ⸥

Yukina raises a closed fist. Lisa mimes her halfway, albeit unsure with the sudden movement.

The former squeezes it into her chest. It’s the most Lisa can get.

The latter smiles, pressing it to her lips. It’s the most Lisa can give.

⸢ _It’s because of each other that we are here right now._ ⸥

Lisa closes her eyes, smile retained on her face.

That exchange, she’s content with that.

Yukina isn’t.

Her voice breaks, and _‘_ **_—_ ** _can’t see!’_ sounds more pained and frustrated than that of the first chorus, and with her face scrunched and looking right at her, with the band halting its sound as they should be…

The moment becomes haunting.

But Lisa can’t dwell on it. Not with the last chorus rushing, altering the pace, signaling another end. Not when she’s experienced the gravity of unanswered questions that could’ve been just split-second thoughts. Not after more than two years of radio silence....

She can’t.

Lisa can’t help herself.

Because for some reason, Yukina’s crying out answers she thought she was never going to get.

⸢ _The regrets increase day after day!_ ⸥

 _A plead._ ~~_Please don’t make that face._ ~~

⸢ _We forgive each other, but there’s no meaning!_ ⸥

 _An apology._ ~~_You don’t have to think like that anymore._ ~~

⸢ _Nothing. Nothing. Nothing_ **_—_ ** _!_ ⸥

 _And hope._ "...I’ve been hoping, too."

Yukina extends her arm above her, spreading her fingertips, begging with her eyes.

At the pinnacle of her own career, where the view from the top lies and the drop is high, her heart is spilling uncontrollably in front of the person who got ahold of it. _  
_

⸢ _We sing of love, again and again, but it’s beyond the clouds._ ⸥

( _“I made a playlist for you, to go along with the shojo manga you love to read.”_ )

⸢ _We chat and chat and chat like a buzzing crowd in the night._ ⸥

( _“You’re awake, right? Come over, even if I can’t stop you, let me at least join you~”_ )

⸢ _We smile while saying goodbye._ ⸥

 _Never again_.

—   —   —

 ***** **TRENDING** : YUKINA MINATO DEDICATES COVER TO A LOVER? IN THE THIRD DAY OF HER ANFANG TOUR, THE ONCE LONE SONGSTRESS FINALLY SHOWS EMOTIONS. READ MORE  HERE.

And just like that, their song ends and they’re left with nothing but silence one more time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Sarishinohara translyrics I based this chapter on is made by Andoryunii. It’s not a word for word translation, so I’d recommend fraughtwithsparkles’ translyrics or the translation in the Vocaloid wiki if you really want to know what Mikito-P’s saying, but Andoryunii’s take is very personal and much more intimate. It really helped me establish how to write Lisa in some ways and it also served as something akin to an outline for me.
> 
> I inserted Sanctuary because of the [Dearest, you are my dearest.] lyric, that’s it lol Lyrics are taken from Bang Dream’s wiki. 
> 
> As for Charles...I was originally supposed to just insert Hidamari Rhodonite and call it a day, but by the time I was writing this fic, Charles started growing on me so I searched for its translation (I used YoghurtStripper’s), and I was like—ISNT THIS LITERALLY YUKINA?? (in this fic at the very least) IMAGINE IF SHE JUST THREW ALL TECHNICAL SKILL OUT THE WINDOW FOR ONCE AND JUST SCREAMED OUT THE LYRICS IN DESPERATION YES GOOD LET YOUR ANGST-DRIVEN BRAIN THRIVE—and so that happened and Charles is now one of my favorite songs.
> 
> Anyway, I’ve yelled about this too much, but kinda not enough so let’s all scream in the comments lol Thank you so much for reading~


	2. Repeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yukina sings, so she doesn't betray the stage she must stand in or the place she gave up for it.

“What happened, Yukina-san?”

Despite the crass delivery of the vague question, everything about the inquiry was simple. Hints of malice shouldn’t be evident in genuinely curious eyes and yet, Yukina finds herself unnerved by such a simple question.

“To what?”

He balks for a second, a minute show of hesitation in an innocent blink, but knowing the bassist's characteristic bluntness, Yukina's not surprised that he continues, "Yesterday, you seemed a bit more, uh, alive than now.

Yukina merely frowns, more so at the indignation bubbling in her chest that she knows is misplaced on her colleague.

 “What this idiot means, Minato—” The drummer interjects quickly, “Your performance yesterday was a first for him, for us. It was more genuine than we could expect from you…and it was really, really great to listen to...We're just kinda wondering where it all went now…" She chances a look up at the singer who seemed undeterred by the interrogation and mumbles an addition, "And maybe worried that you'll sound like a CD again later."

 Yukina sets her fork down with a quirk of an eyebrow, “Isn't consistency favorable?”

 “Ah, it’s hopeless. Hopeless, I tell you.” The pianist then calls out from his corner, muffled from his hand covering a mouth full of toast before he swallows it down, “That performance yesterday was either a fluke or our Yukina-chan was actually switched out in CiRCLE and was only returned today.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“What they’re saying is, ‘We’re concerned.’” A coffee cup was set down with a clink and Yukina averts her eyes from him, already aware of the direction their conversation was heading to. “Of course, we get that you’ve always hated dealing with the post-concert crowd or any crowd in general, but you basically booked it out yesterday the second the concert ended.”

The unspoken question repeats itself:  _ ‘What happened?’ _

Yukina gulps in prompt of a crack in a dried out throat, half-expecting to meet the taste of salt-streaked tears on her tongue, half-expecting to choke on a fistful of air from being unable to breathe properly for so long.

Her eyes find the mirror and it reflects a singer breaking down in a bathroom.

And if she strained her ears beyond the rush of running water, she could hear…

“I was actually looking forward to it, y’know?” He says, almost earnestly. “The way you sang yesterday made me actually think you’re capable of emoting to a song.”

But all Yukina can hear was malice.

She retaliates, “I see. Are you saying that you thought all performances prior to yesterday lacked emotion?”

He merely stares and a smile that was ill-timed more than anything plays on his lips.

Regardless, Yukina persists. “Your insult aside, don’t forget what we’re here for. How you got here. Why you’re able to play the piano for hundreds of people."

"It’s all due to skill." Yukina hovers over the other, the prop from her costume forgotten from the numbing grip she has on it. "For you to be dismissive of my technique, I'm sure you understand how foolish you sound."

_ Clink. _  Yukina hears a laugh.

_ Clang. _  The chuckle hushed into a breathless whimper, "Ah, this girl, really—!"

The rest of a metallic plate clatters and leftover coins flutter on top of a receipt, "I apologize for the delay, our bill has been settled. I’m certain our manager has been able to prepare our belongings by now, so we should be going.”

"Ugh, finally! Thanks, Sayo-chan~" He cheers, shifting the heavy tone to end the argument on a light one.

Not like Yukina cared, her attention half-occupied by the other two members who seem to think they were concealed with all their whispering.

“...Still wanna ask Sayo-san what’s up with her?”

“You—! After what just went down with Minato? Go ahead.”

He shifts, “Say—”

 "Ahhhh!! That was a great breakfast! Can’t wait to sit my ass on a 5-hour trip!" The drummer taps her sticks on the bassist’s back, occasionally stabbing it to maneuver him to the door, the echoes of  _ ‘But my eggs!’ _  whining as an afterthought in the clamor of the hall and in Yukina’s head, which was more concerned with the implications on the guitarist's well-being.

The teal-haired girl was silent as ever, doing not more than her task of reviewing a receipt and counting change. Yukina frowns, if anything, she seemed to be just as efficient as she usually is.

“A shame, Yukina-chan.”

Not like him.

His coat dangling on the table aside, the pianist was nowhere near the intention of leaving, instead idly fiddling on the bassist’s small chunk of leftovers with his fork. “If anything, those two probably thought yesterday’s performance has somewhat made you approachable. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have sprung up on you all of a sudden.”

“I don’t see why any of that is my concern. We’re all merely co-workers coincidentally placed in the same band for our own merit.”

“Well, that is true, but...” He shrugs, stands, and stabs the sunny-side up before shoving it into his mouth. “Just wanted to remind you that we were behind you when you pulled that stunt back then.”

She recoils, because if anything, she knows that’s true.

“So that shred of, let’s say…honesty you showed that day, you owe that to us.”

That if anyone deserved an explanation, it was the four of them.

“Or to those two at the very least, I don’t really care. I don’t know for Sayo-chan, though?”

Sayo doesn’t respond, a hard stare on the cheque. Yukina doesn’t either.

“Yukina-chan…Can you not frown at me like that?” The face twitches, smile cracking on its edges, and is that sweat—Ah.

The cutlery and china on the table rattle in a swift instant.

Yukina cringes. Sayo raises her head to appease the pianist.

“…What are you doing?” The guitarist reprimands, moving towards her bandmate.

“Because!” His voice was a quiver as his hand nurses a trembling knee, “Yukina-chan looked scary!”

“None of that is my fault.”

“It doesn’t seem to be that bad.” A pinch on the knee. Sayo peers up at him, “Though, it might bruise in a few hours or days.”

“Should I get an ice pack for him?”

He blinks once, seemingly confused. Yukina raises a brow in anticipation for a retort, for a dig, for him to rile her up once more.

“I don’t think I’ll need one, actually. But I will get an iced coffee! You guys go ahead~”

The pianist trots away to the counter, however, with an uncharacteristic smudge of surprise on his usually smug face.

“Let’s go, then, Sayo.”

The teal haired girl doesn’t reply, leading Yukina to witness the somewhat languid motion in front of her, and if her eyes weren’t deceiving her again, is Sayo zoning out?

“Sayo.”

A twitch. An inconspicuous blink, but Yukina’s certain that she did lose her companion for a second. She stares at her, “Is there anything bothering you?”

Sayo studies her and Yukina’s as placid as she hopes she appears as. The moment stretches out, but Yukina doesn’t say anything, just waits.

Until, “There is.” Sayo finally says, breaking eye contact for a split second. “But it’s something that can wait. Our last performance is today, I don’t want to talk about anything that might jeopardize that.”

Yukina immediately relents. “I see. If that's the case, then it's for the best."

The guitarist nodded her approval and they head out. The comfortable silence sets in between them, a familiar, common reward for discussions that result to a shared perspective and fruitful outcomes.

She itches for the need to destroy it.

"You better get yourself together."

It sounds like a threat, but her tongue knows the truth.

And yet when Sayo replied affirmatively, Yukina insists that it's for a troubled guitarist and not for a singer in trouble.

* * *

It happened again.

Leather seat. Sun glares and houses strung together in a singular light. A blur of chatter. Her bandmates.

In the middle of a trip, no less.

"Minato-san, are you finally awake? You were talking in your sleep."

With Sayo as witness, too.

"Sorry. I hope that didn't bother you."

She feels a body lean away from her, the space between them expanding. "I was slightly concerned, but I figured you needed all the rest you can get."

"You did the right thing. Thanks for not waking me up."

After all, that nap was more fruitful than the sleep she didn't get last night. Not when recurring images of brown hair and bitten lips throw her in the sidewalk and force her to breathe cool but humid air once again. Not when the melody of cicadas and rhythm of her own footsteps scratches itself on a record that could've been a complete song.

Instead, it’s left as a broken track, continuously replaying itself on a loop with no conclusion.

"Yukina-san! You're awake!"

The teal-haired girl beside her chides, “Refrain from moving too much! Sit properly!”

“But!” The bassist whines, leaning on his seat dangerously as he dangles a phone in front of them, “She has to read this!”

(Video Source: @PAIN -  Use data to see video? )

_ This footage has sparked the interest not only of that from Yukina Minato's own fanbase, but from the general online community as well. The once unsolidified claims surrounding this event have transformed into an argument with discernible evidence regarding the singer's uncharacteristic delivery of Charles on the third day of her tour. _

"I don't see why this article is different from the ones made before this."

The drummer calls out from her own seat, "Please read all of it first."

How dare they pose this during their tour?

She sets the phone down, “I’m not interested in baseless claims. All of you should know that by now.”

“But, Minato, it’s abou—"

Yukina grumbles, "Speculations as they are..."

Then her eyes meet olive ones, bordering on a darker shade that was unusual, even for Sayo.

Her argument dies right then and there, diverting her gaze to the phone on the guitarist’s hand then back to the inscrutable expression on the teal-haired girl’s face that submerged her hopes for camaraderie at best, and at worst, confused Yukina with dread.

“Aha, so Sayo-chan’s read it.” The pianist calls in sing-song as he craned his head towards them. “Won’t you read it too, Yukina-chan?”

_ Fans have pieced pictures and short clips taken from various social media accounts, attempting to trace for hints. _

(Taken from @BARAofficial: Attached image of Yukina Minato, walking in the middle platform, gesturing towards the left wing of the concert hall.)

(Taken from @Jijijiya: Attached image is taken from the audience, a couple of hands reaching towards Yukina Minato, whose eyes were widened and body stiff.)

(Video Source: @sm271836 -  Use data to see video? )

_ It has been believed that the pictures and the video were taken during their performance of Sanctuary on Shinrikyo Quadrangle, also known as CiRCLE by the town. _

Yukina confirms and the groan, "My data!", falls deaf into ears too engrossed in the repeat of their previous performance.

A shaky sigh exhales from her lips.

That pause...

It wasn't too long to be noticeable, Yukina had assured herself that time. She just barely caught sight of her!

But it wasn't brief either, the video testifies. A 1-2-3 moment of her just standing blankly, as if short-circuiting and forgetting what she's supposed to do before rebooting and going on with her task.

Yukina knows. A moment of vulnerability is all it takes.

She knows all too well.

_ After Sanctuary, Charles—which was supposed to be eighth in the set-list, as performed in the previous days—replace Determination Symphony in a sudden turn of events. It has then been speculated that the singer has seen someone she knew from that moment. _

Her heart races.

_ Most intriguing, however, was the change of one lyric and other ad-libs that contributed to a huge impact on the song. _

_ Her cover was even professionally edited to studio quality by an anonymous netizen and was then re-uploaded and circulated between various social media platforms. However, the question remained unanswered: _

_ Who was it that Yukina Minato saw? _

(Taken from @yuiuirui: Attached image is a group selfie of some part of the audience. From the angle of the stage and with the platform right beside them, the picture is confirmed to be that of the left wing.)

Her heart drops in front of pink envelopes with sunflower stickers, amidst her own unfinished letters scrapped to a bin, among lyrics unworthy for that stage, beneath music that belonged to a high school girl's playlist and had no place in her discography.

Yukina wished it was an afterimage.

For once, she wished her eyes were merely deceiving her with glimpses of brown hair and shades of cream-themed clothing just like it has been doing for the past two years.

But like the time she met gray eyes and witnessed how stiff the other had become as she came down from a daze, Yukina had to accept that it's real. That her eyes, as quick as it was when it came to Lisa, really saw her in the audience and now, in the edge of the picture attached above.

Now, Lisa's going to be hurt one more time.

By her own hands. Again.

Yukina's heart shatters.

"I've...I've read enough." She pushes the phone back to the group gawking at her, who only receives a phone with 43 MB of data and silence as a response.

"So..." Hazy, it sounds hazy among other noise in her head. "What are you going to do about this?"

She couldn’t even reply.

"…And are we not going to talk about the fact that she looks exactly like Sayo-san and has the same surname as her?”

The guitarist doesn't miss a beat, "No."

The silence draws out for a minute, which is exactly the amount of time Yukina needed to pause and thaw her thoughts to let reality seep in, voicing out a question the others won't ask and Sayo will therefore never answer.

"...Who are you talking about?"

Four heads turn to her in surprise. The drummer quirks a smirk, "...You didn't finish the article, huh?"

"I didn't. Why?"

"Eh~" The pianist hums, "Wonder why you were making such a worried face, then..." Upon receiving a glare from the singer, he immediately adds, "...Just kidding!"

She ignores the pianist in favor of the bassist shuffling to get his phone out once more, "I don't know where you stopped, but basically it said that you were dating Hina Hikawa, a former member of an idol group."

Yukina blinks, short-circuiting on every inch of that statement and the pianist leers at her, "...Unless?"

A sigh, "You honestly need to stop drinking coffee."

There she was.

Right beside Lisa was a familiar shade of teal and olive, wearing an expression foreign to Yukina. One she never dared associate with what she was familiar with, one she never even knew existed in the first place.

And of all people, Hina Hikawa was encircled in the photo.

She glances at Sayo, face as stoic as it has always been, but fingers dig deep into a cheek and eyes swirl with a shade of animosity that as much as the unspoken silence from the girl speaks volumes, a verbal confirmation painting rage with a raised voice is the last thing Yukina wants to see from Sayo.

"So, Hikawa-san.." Their manager peers at them from the front seat of a van, the soft thud of a laptop closing relieves the growing chatter from the backseats to a hush. "I was half-listening mostly, but if I got that right, you're related to the rumored lover?"

Before another round of silence erupts, he hastily adds, "Sorry if it's a land mine I'm stepping on, but I have to know if I need to grovel on some agency's doorstep…"

Sayo sighs, "I apologize, but yes, Hina Hikawa is my twin sister."

Yukina was wrong.

Her eyes widen, afraid to blink, as if a solemn Sayo was a mirage and she'll be gone if Yukina ever so slightly breathes. Rage was a word Yukina misplaced on the guitarist now that she realized a storm can be collected as it is erratic. 

Hardened eyes never looked more ill-fitting on her, “She was one of the original members for a group called Pastel*Palettes and she auditioned…to play as their guitarist.”

Not when cracks threaten to spill clouds of something softer and murky, “…However, she backed out at the last minute before the group’s debut and wasn’t included in the official line-up.”

A hum from the front seat, “And she wasn’t involved with the agency since? Hasn’t accepted any side-offers as a trainee or something?”

“I don’t think so.” Yukina thinks about an instance when she talked to Sayo about anything other than music.

The death of the van’s engine had much more of a whirr than what she could come up with.

"—preciate the information, Hikawa-san. Alright, folks. Gather your things. Proceed to the stage after dropping it in your dressing room."

The singer steps out of the car without a bat of an eyelash at the protests of  _ 'Earth, swallow me whole and spit me out after rehearsals~!' _ , too nauseous from the discrepancy of an empty stomach—

Teal flutters from her left and for a second, a composed rhythm of footsteps has never sounded so blue.

 —and a chest threatening to burst out of her ribs.

But the sound fades as the guitarist walks out of the parking lot and the silence reminds her of a time when blue sounded a lot like slippers and cicadas pounding with dissonance.

Yukina heads out, the walk from the parking lot much heavier than it should be.

* * *

They enter into the heart of the chaos.

The stadium was far from grazing its minimum capacity and was two hours away from the inevitable flood to fill its maximum capacity, but it was already rumbling. Inaudible shouts and heavy, quick footsteps thicken the palpable air of anxiety as another round of,  _ "We just fixed that! I swear, if you bump into the speakers one more time!" _ , takes place.

Perhaps that's why the band's nonchalance was sticking out among changing into their supposed costumes, fine-tuning blockings, and running through a quick reprise of the concert's sequence. The banter thrown around by three of the members with the rest of the crew was for once, a welcomed distraction. It coaxed the air to a comfortable atmosphere and perhaps, dampened the edge the two remaining members would’ve displayed otherwise.

It also diverted attention from the fact that Sayo hasn’t uttered a word since the van, just glaring at a seemingly invisible Rubik’s cube she couldn’t solve.

“Can’t I have the center followspot dimmed?” Yukina squinted.

“Sure, but Minato-san, you specifically requested this last rehearsal.”

But not from the fact that Yukina Minato’s air of composure was starting to materialize as a mask and it was slipping off.

Her footsteps were still heavy.

Maybe it's because each footstep is a push.

Away from the throbbing in her head.  _ Step. _

Away from what she did as opposed to what she should’ve done on that stage.  _ Step, step. _

Away from the guilt, fatigue, dread, intermingling on her tongue, tasting like bile threatening to spill out,  **_stepstepstep—_ **

Beneath her shoe, nothing else must remain save for a receipt of the bargain she’s made.

Maybe with the reminder, what was lost should return.

_ You already went back. _

~~_ What more of a reminder could you possibly want? _ ~~

“Minato-san.”

Yukina releases the grip that was choking her microphone, blinking away the thrum of a fading song to focus on making the person in front of her tangible.

“We have some time before doors open.” Sayo continues, “I was hoping to...take you up on your offer earlier.”

Her voice sounds frustrated.

“I know this is extremely selfish of me to entertain these thoughts over our priorities…”

The kind of frustration that resorts from being forced to throwing everything to the wind despite scrutinizing all possible options.

Then again, none of the above is also an option, and for that to be Sayo’s choice only meant complete defeat.

“And I apologize for overstepping some boundaries, but I believe it would be best for me to resolve my personal issues before we perform.”

Yukina blinks and Sayo’s expression becomes vivid.

Olive eyes were barely latching for eye contact, her arms were folded in without a hint of nonchalance, and sure, Yukina finds defeat, but it’s not at the forefront sticking out like a word she knows but can’t place a name to.

“If it's not alright to talk to you about it, I understand. Truly.” Ah.

There it is: Hesitation.

One that Yukina never had room for. “It’s fine. Shall we go somewhere private?”

That look again, reminiscent of the unusual expression on a certain pianist's face just a day ago. And just like that moment, it's gone just before Yukina could point it out, altered by a nod and footsteps pattering away to dissolve into the greater chaos backstage.

They weave through, each irrelevant step to avoid running into equipment and frazzled personnel contributing to an impatience that wasn't unfamiliar to both of them.

"Yukina-chan, can I have a minute?"

And perhaps that's the reason they snapped—to turn and face their boss and totally not because interruptions were suddenly the bane of their existence.

He jerks a thumb in the direction of their dressing room, "I'd like to discuss something with you. Is now a good time?”

Yukina faces Sayo, but it was the latter who stuffed words into the former’s mouth. “It’s alright, Minato-san. Another time.” She reassures before turning to her superior, “I hope it wouldn’t be intrusive of me to enter with the two of you, seeing as it is the band’s dressing room and I’d like to make preparations instead.”

“Ah. It’s fine, Sayo-chan.” The door creaks and the voices that fill the inside of the dressing room momentary halt with their appearance before going back to their respective businesses once greetings were exchanged.

“Yukina-chan, are you aware of the recent articles about you?”

Half of the band seemed to freeze up at that, any discreteness on just lurking around their phones or fiddling with their make-up in courtesy of respecting the private conversation between their singer and their boss _  in their shared dressing room _  has dissolved.

“Yes, what of it?”

“Yeah, about that—Wait. You’ve heard about it? That’s surprising.”

She frowns, “Well, unless you’re talking about something other than my supposed relationship with Hina Hikawa, then you have every right to be surprised.”

“Huh…This is even stranger. For you to be invested this much, then, what the tabloids are saying…”

“Not true.” Yukina heads towards her designated vanity. “If that’s the only reason you’re here, then we’re done.”

She shuffles through the rack of props for her costume. Just a couple of flower ornaments to adorn her dress, a headpiece, and a cape she somewhat mistakenly forgot to attach. The seconds tick by without another word, the jangling of rings and chains from the other stack filling the otherwise silent atmosphere.

“Actually…” It sounded sharper, firmer, than she’d expected of him. “It’s not just that. When you said that you wanted to perform in your hometown, I approved because I thought it would be good for you.”

Yukina halts, a blue rose ornament in hand as the biggest leap of temperature occurs.

The prickling on her skin erupts, hands nursing a head that ached from the hollow notion of nothing, nose running to trickle down snot across papers and papers and papers of words all too blurry save for the impatience of waiting for an inspiration that will never come.

She blinks and her gaze lands on their boss, still seated in the small desk in between their vanities.

“Not a day later I read some article and some part of me entertained the thought that if it was true, how would you be feeling?” He looks at her, a hard gaze in his eyes. 

“What did going back there do for you?”

Her chest constricts just as a controlled clatter of an object to glass, and she realizes a second too late that Sayo has all but slammed a tube of eyeliner down to gape at her with a face so stricken with betrayal. “...You were the one who made the decision to perform in CiRCLE?”

She sees a hunched figure sitting on a bed too large for such a small person.

“I did."

She sees white. Smeared with black ink, over and over, because it’s better than a blank page.

“I see."

"Sayo-san…"

"Then, in that case, please answer the question. What did going back there do for you?”

“Sayo-chan, now, let’s all calm down…”

She hears desperation in her own voice. Words that tasted bitter on her tongue aimed at a group of unknowing individuals who never deserved to hear such vulnerability.

“…She can’t even answer.”

“Doors open in five! Opening act in ten!” The echo of a shrill voice from the hall knocks the air out of the room. With it, footsteps and scrambling ensued that was deafening in a more tolerable manner than the silence brought by a loaded question that Yukina will once again, file away, to be rendered unanswered and forgo—

“Unbelievable.” A voice too hollow Yukina only registered a minute too late belonged to Sayo, sighs out. Then, it explodes. “All of this—!”

The muted chaos from outside unravels and seeps into the room through an audible click on their door. They all turn their heads and Yukina briefly registers their superior walking out of the door before the pianist utters, “I’m going to see if I can help around for the concert. Unless you’ve forgotten the reason why we’re here, feel free to make yourself useful.”

Even without meeting his gaze, her own fixated on two more pairs of footsteps pattering away, Yukina was right to say that she deserved that.

“Minato-san, I'd like to have our conversation now.” Sayo insists, closing the door behind her.

_ ‘Unless you’ve forgotten the reason why we’re here…’ _

What right does Yukina have to stand on that stage?

“Why are you so concerned with this?"

She narrows her eyes, “Don’t make this about me.”

“....Isn’t it? Sayo, I know you as much as I know myself. If this doesn’t have anything to do with you, you wouldn’t bother.”

“And I know that if you weren’t hiding anything, we’d be done by now, Minato-san.”

Yukina balks. Sayo takes the chance and presses further. “So please stop wasting our time and answer me. Did going back there even do anything for you…?” She trails off and the silence is filled by Yukina lingering on Sayo’s tone, how unbridled her anger is at first, questioning why it sounds like regret in the second repeat, why it sounds…defeated in the third…and Sayo’s looking at her as a wall to pin her blame on.

Yukina abruptly averts her eyes before it could widen and paint a dumbfounded look on her face.

Because if her assumption is correct…

She barely rasps out, “You…You saw..”

Then, she has no right to be surprised, just as she deserves to be the recipient of every inch of Sayo’s expression.

Yukina backtracks.

Even if she’s right about what going back to their hometown meant for Sayo,  _ who _  she might have seen, or what it could’ve invoked in their time there, it mattered little than the salt her words could inflict on the guitarist’s wounds. So instead she answers, “I…I went back there to reaffirm my goal.”, salt pouring all over her own wounds instead.

The inevitable arrives. “And?”

And Yukina cracks.

Figuratively, the dam breaks. Everything she filed away spills and what gushes out is a murky flood of debris, a testament to two years worth of broken promises and failed pursuits swallowing Yukina from head to toe until she drowns.

Literally, tremors tease her with full control of her own hands, arms, shoulders that she just wants to fold in on herself to reclaim control and to rebuild walls and to just. Stop. Hurting.

But no matter how much it hurts, a fact will persist: Yukina owes her a response.

To a question that wouldn’t exist in the first place if it weren’t for her own choices.

“...Please don’t worry, Minato-san. You don’t have to say anything.” And yet, a pause just long enough to make Yukina beg for words to flow persists.

Until it doesn’t.

“...I understand now that you’re not the person I wished to reach new heights with.”

Yukina regains her voice, “Sayo—”

“And staying by your side won’t help me regain what I’ve sacrificed just because I believed in you.”

Knock. Knock. “Standby! Opening act's up in 5.”

The chair scrapes out a squeak of finality, shrill-pitched, it might as well be a scream.

Even as the guitarist gathers herself, the edges on her face contorting with obvious struggle to some semblance of a neutral expression, Yukina could only stare blankly.

Even as they file away in silence, with the constricted dressing room as the only privy to the remains of a disastrous discussion, the damage remains.

Even as they regroup backstage with the rest of the members, especially when Yukina sees the stark contrast of faux excitement from three people and the genuine absence of anything from one, the inconclusive song will just throw her back to the end of a verse, chorus, haunt her with cut lyrics in an instrumental break, a start of another verse, a bridge that leads to another chorus— 

And she's lost.

She's  _ been _  lost for a long time now.

Lost enough to admit that she shouldn’t be singing her father’s song in this state.

But even so, this is the choice she’s made.

_ ⸢  Betrayals stay obscure and fall down this collapsing world. ⸥ _

Yukina’s hand falls limp to gesture as she sings and it glides to the direction of a person that shouldn’t be there.

Accessories and handcrafted intricacies adorn her dress, a costume crafted specifically for a gig that she was never able to associate with anything other than a carnal drive. But now, in the midst of a sea, she is placid as she fiddles with a blue rose.

And she remembers being occupied with the color, rather than the symbolism she has devoted herself to.

_ (“What?” _

_ “Nothing much~ I’ve only known both of you for a week, but seeing you and Sayo-chan being all like ‘RISE TO THE TOP—!’ together will always be amusing for me.” _

_ “You would benefit from following the same mindset.” _

_ “You’re so harsh, Yukina-chan! I can be serious too, you know!” _

_ “Your playing reflects that, rough and dramatic as it is. If you have the skill, not refining it is just a waste of talent and time.” _

_ “…That’s not the reason why I play, just as I won’t ask you ‘What now?’ if you reach the top based on technicalities alone.”) _

_ ⸢  …Pretending not to see I have no qualification to sing. ⸥ _

Green. On her skirt, on her tie, in hands that were too bunched up trying to contain it, in her eyes as it digs into the person on stage to leave an empty hole, on the tip of her tongue that was bleeding an unusual shade from words that were too bitter for her.

_ (“…Say something.” _

_ “Ah.” The trance breaks and the tremors start. Not in her form, no. Lisa was never one to tremble in front of somebody. But even if Yukina doesn’t close her eyes, she knows. She hears. “Ah…I don’t really think there’s anything I can say. I mean…that’s what you want.” _

_ Lisa Imai has always been her anchor, the last line that was tying her down to this place and it was slipping in a pace that will leave blisters and blood on her hands. _

_ She’s not prepared for this. _

_ “…I leave tomorrow. According to the scout I met, I will be immediately signed for contract once I leave town.” _

_ The flicker of hesitation was all the more pronounced on Lisa’s face. The silver-haired girl refuses to believe that it was her anticipation teasing her with an impatience to fast forward to the part she has prepared for. _

_ “I see. You’ve really thought this through, then, haha~” _

_ It doesn’t arrive. _

_ “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with anything—Yukina! Wait!” _

_ And in its stead was a voice strangled out of her lungs and clogged by the lump in her throat.) _

_ ⸢  …You should break your weaknesses, so long. ⸥ _

Shoulder-length hair bounces on its ends, cartoon-themed pins holding a lockful of hair to keep it from mussing up a pain-staking 3 hour hair-tying session between a grown man and a 4 year old girl. Every tiptoed attempt to crane her head on the stage has Yukina gripping the mic further. Until she halts, with a smile that looks foreign on her, with eyes that were still capable of a shine she has dimmed by her own hands.

_ (“…What do you think, Yukina?” _

_ “…un.” _

_ “Uh, I can’t really hear you.” _

_ “Looks…fun. Dad, it sounds fun!”) _

And it hits her, why all of them are here as they look at her with eyes that were daring her to sing another lyric, probing her to answer a question she knows she can't answer at the moment.

Until then, she will sing,  _ ⸢ ...Feel alive. ⸥ _

The bridge doesn’t connect to a chorus, the static noise of a tape whirring.

Yukina finds that she has to fill it up on time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's brought to you by this cover (https://www.nicovideo.jp/watch/sm22936004) of Yonjuunana only to be stabbed in the arteries by Roselia's 2nd band story, then resurrected and sustained by Yakusoku. Yes, I've been writing this chapter way before Neo-Aspect was released in endori ; n ; It took me so long cuz it went thru a lot of edits before I decided to just wing it because this story will die without resolution if I didnt haul myself out of my mini-hiatus orz 
> 
> Featured song for this chapter is LOUDER, lyrics are taken from Bang Dream's wiki.
> 
> On another note, I just realized last week was Yukina Minato's birthday! Her growth has been phenomenal and here I am, honoring that with a chapter about what might happen to her if one of the reasons for that growth (Roselia) was out of the picture, yay~ Thanks for reading!


End file.
